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A Beating Heart
When I looked into her eyes on that late-winter
afternoon, it revealed something I didn’t expect and couldn’t fully explain.
She’d always seemed distant up to that point, a kind of ethereal figure
gliding in the distance, only coming close when she needed or wanted to.
When we finally connected on that level and I finally looked and saw into
her magnificent violet eyes, it changed how I perceived her. See was more
real to me, and my perceptions of what she represented in my mind changed
completely. In that moment, I knew I was no longer alone, even when she
wasn’t around. The world seemed to have opened up in that instant for me. I
felt like I was wandering around in the shadows by myself, traversing
through town and going to our places largely alone. I was constantly afraid
of being found out, discovered and ridiculed. These fears evaporated once
our eyes met and she connected with me. It was indescribable they way it
transformed how I thought about her. As we left the beach that day, I also
knew without question that this wouldn’t be our last visit. When I walked
back home through the streets, I noticed how things had changed. The winter
was receding and the snow was beginning to lose its grip on the world once
again. When I went to visit our place on the hill, it didn’t seem as hidden
or intimidating as it had over the previous moths. I found myself cutting
through our secret areas and returned once again to the mountainous cliff
where we had shared our transient, yet significant moments a few months
earlier. I was there because that’s where her presence was strongest.
Occasionally, I would squint my eyes and almost feel her pacing alongside
me, a silent shadowy companion encouraging and guiding my every step. The
visions I saw in her eyes was something that compelled and inspired me to
keep going despite the incessant winds relentlessly trying to blow me
backwards. I knew it wouldn’t be the easiest path to take but it was the
correct one. As the days progressed, I held onto the moment and would keep
it close when I needed it. There were some rough moments, as I knew there
would be. Even though no one else could see her, or hear her voice, she
stayed at my side, in my mind, never abandoning or undermining me.
I never knew precisely when, how, or, why she would show up next and this
bothered me quite a bit at first. I tried to figure out patterns, or
discover reasons or places but I couldn’t really anticipate when she’d
appear next or where. It gradually receded as I spent less time worrying
about how and why and focused on who she was. She looked into my eyes and
gave me something I didn’t really know I had inside of me. I was becoming
aware of the world outside my constraints. There were things beyond school
and the malicious people who surrounded me. Even when I was young, I
remember feeling constantly undermined and disheartened by much of what I
experienced. I felt like an outcast in many ways, things just
didn’t seem to fall into place. Things were better when I was alone and she
didn’t seem to judge me the way others did. For the longest time, I let
things get to me. Sometimes, I felt like I was drowning, struggling to stay
afloat in the shallowest of waters, and not succeeding. I’d hear them
talking about me, and I’d try to wash them away. I found myself submerging
their voices under the waves. In many ways, I was unable to fight the tides
shifting under my feet and let the currents control and direct me.
This changed when we were together
those few times. I could feel all of those pressures draining away with each
step as we walked on the beach together, I felt completely different than I
had in the past. Instead of fearing the changes and tides that were a
constant battle, she showed me that these could be both anticipated and
mitigated.
After
our meeting near the end of winter, I would walk down to the water’s edge
several times a week. This gave me a chance to be alone to think about these
things. I didn’t allow myself to let go of my dreams and perhaps that would
be considered a problem in some ways. In my mind, this was a strength, which
helped keep my mind from careening into the depths. She understood this, but
I don’t think many other people around me did. She was one of the few who’d
ever seemed to accept me the way I was. She didn’t expect me to be someone
else, she didn’t want me to change. I could be who I wanted to be and didn’t
have to worry any longer. I still felt like I was walking through the world
alone, but my journey didn’t seem as lonely. It was a strange time and I was
confused by the conflicting currents swirling around me. Winter had begun to
rescind its hold on the world by this point and the first stirrings of green
meant the world was changing once again. I walked down to the beach one
afternoon and took a path to the right side which put me on the side where
the boats came into dock for the winter. I usually took a look at them and
walked right on by, but there was one day when they seemed to have a strange
pull.
My curiosity got the better of me and I walked through the yard past the
hibernating arcade. Most of the boats were covered in large heavy tarps and
secured to the ground with large thing ropes, still as the cold winds blew
through them. I walked in between these large boats and reached the end of
the concrete, facing the ocean once again. I saw the rest of the beach at
the end, with its creaky old piers and walkways jutting out into the ocean,
curving along the coastline. I walked and felt the winds begin to pick up a
little, blowing through the boats and their hangars. I felt really cold and
decided to keep walking. There didn’t seem to be anyone around and it was a
surprisingly desolate place, as if all these summer dreams were abandoned,
carelessly left behind. As I walked back towards the beach and its main
walkways, I noticed something that I didn’t on the way in. On the other side
of the dock, sitting alone there was a small rowboat tied to the dock.
Unlike most of the other boats, it wasn’t covered up. It was open and sat
there floating alone, completely open. It seemed to be there for a reason,
like it was waiting for someone. I walked over to it and looked closer and
saw it painted a deep shade of blue. As I examined it, it had a strange
construction, much more elaborate then the others with strange markings
painted on its railings. Its sides were pock-marked by small spots
stretching from front to back, it looked regal, specially constructed for
somebody and placed there for a specific reason. I didn’t quite understand
why, but it seemed like it could have been teleported from another world,
yet it looked like it hadn’t been used very often. It seemed much older than
the other boats, yet also quite strong and sturdy, freshly constructed. As I
looked closer, I saw something written on it. I saw the name on its side and
knew immediately who it was waiting for.
I
climbed down the ladder to get a closer look and stood on the dock right
alongside the boat. I was hesitant to actually get inside so I stood there
looking at it. I looked at the water churning beneath it and it seemed heavy
and dark, green and black. I smelled its salty vapor and it felt cold,
chilling me to my bones. It was a little intimidating, but I decided to look
closer. It seemed smaller now that I was directly over it but it was sturdy
enough to remain afloat. Looking inside, I saw two sails rolled up to one
side and a small steering wheel towards the front. It matched the design of
the gold rails with some of the same strange markings on it. There was a
small gust of wind and when I turned my head, I noticed a piece of paper
rolled up in between the boat’s rafters. I looked at it, read what it said
and I knew immediately why the boat was there. I undid the ropes from their
moorings and rolled them up inside the boat. I walked towards the front of
the boat nervously, trying to keep my balance without tipping it over and
took control of the wheel. It seemed a little bit heavy at first and I had a
difficult time trying to steer it around. It was made for an adult, but I
could get the hang of it. I could sense the water underneath swirling under
my feet, swinging me around gently and rippling upwards into my feet.
Slowly, I began to turn the wheel and noticed a small beacon light up when I
would put it in a certain spot. I figured that it would be a kind of
navigator. I spun the wheel around a few times until I got proficient with
it enough and began to look ahead and saw that it had drifted a foot or so
from the dock. I pointed the boat towards the water and turned the key. The
motor in the back began to rumble to life. It increased in speed and before
I knew it, I was sailing the boat out towards the open waters. As I passed
the sealed, silent boats in the docks, I regained my footing and began to
steer the boat with more confidence. As I passed the last boat and reach the
end of the docks, I felt that someone was waiting for me out there over the
waters. I looked up at the crystal blue sky bereft of even a single cloud
and watched the sun still ablaze yet it was slowly sinking in the west. I
knew I couldn’t hesitate forever.
There was no time to wait, I wouldn’t succumb to my fears.
It was for me time to
get moving.
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