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The Clandestine Summer
We held onto each
other’s hands tightly, attempting to forestall our inevitable parting for as
long as we possibly could. Eventually however, we did part ways that night
as much as we didn’t want to. It seemed like we had only just started
skating, though we had been there for hours. I removed my skates and put on
my normal sneakers, reluctantly walking off the ice and watching as she
slipped away into the night, not saying as word as she left. I knew that we
would meet again, but I didn’t want to wait to see her again. For the
moment, it was if she had vanished into thin air. Only the faint traces of
our intertwined paths on the ice offered evidence of our presence. Even
these were rapidly erased within minutes, disappearing quickly as the ice
froze over them until they were almost invisible. I walked alone back into
the night for a short distance, holding only my own hands together for some
sense of warmth. My steps felt heavy as I walked away from our spot, but
there was also something I hadn’t noticed before. While I was sad that she
was gone, I also had a new sense of confidence in myself. As we skated
together, she had me follow her initially. Slowly, I began to become
acclimated to her steps, and then, after I built her trust, she allowed me
to take the lead. I realized that I could learn from her if I allowed her to
teach me a few secrets. Once I did this, the possibilities she embodied
opened up to me. All I needed was a little patience and understanding. It
was a magical moment that we shared but one that seemed to end much too
soon.
These conflicting emotions seemed to parallel each of my steps, right and
left, left and right as I walked back down the pathways, slipping through
the gates and heading back towards the sidewalk below. For a moment, I
became a little frightened and looked over my shoulder, worried that someone
might be following me. I started to run a little bit and the sudden fear
propelled me forward quicker. Gradually, it subsided, my paced slowed and I
allowed myself to slow down for a while. I walked with more patience and
caution until I reached the gate near the bottom of the hill where the
outside world would inevitably divide us once more. The streetlights burned
down onto the ground removing shadows as they illuminated the small mounds
of snow, ice and dirt. I walked back over the hard surfaces of the concrete
streets, past the beach and towards the docks once again. I saw the rows of
boats standing idly in the winter cold. Their sails were drawn and folded
down into the cabins, hiding under thick white tarps that buried them
underneath. They were all wrapped up, curled and huddled together as if they
were sleeping or hibernating for the winter. It was an oddly melancholy
sight. I walked closer, trying to walk quietly over the uneven boards, not
wanting to unsettle their silent slumber, and went through the gates, and
set foot onto the docks. I wondered what awaited me.
There was a sharp sea breeze as I stood on the water’s edge. It was cold and
the night wasn’t releasing its grip. It was difficult to navigate with the
larger tall boats casting shadows on the ground. They were closer the ground
and didn’t seem to be as inviting as they had in the summer. A cutting draft
began to form between them and when I walked on the narrow boards, I
definitely felt a chill penetrate my layers of winter clothing. As I walked
closer towards the ocean, the boards were covered with a slippery icy, salty
slush. It felt like there was quicksand beneath my feet, making it difficult
to keep my balance. Water began to soak through my shoes so I had to walk
faster so I wouldn’t sink into the ground. It was a bit dangerous to be
there all alone and I felt like a secret agent as I walked under them,
dodging their hulls and anchors. I was looking at something secret and
hidden that I wasn’t supposed to see. She had given me some new skills to
use and I was surprised at how useful they were in this situation. I
remembered how I was able to skate and I thought of this as I walked. Using
my right foot to balance, the left propelled me. I continued slowly walking
down the boards until I was able to move faster. I hadn’t been there in many
few months. It felt forbidden to find myself walking there in the middle of
winter. As I walked closer, I sensed that the boats hadn’t been touched or
possibly looked at in months, They stood stoically, monuments to
mostly-forgotten dreams of a summer that felt vanishingly, impossibly
distant. Squinting a little, in some ways the rows of boats looked small
against the sky, vulnerable and unprotected. I turned and walked towards the
spot where I had seen our little raft the previous year and walked down the
same dock once again. I looked around and there was nothing there, as I knew
there wouldn’t be. No invitation awaited me, only the quietly shifting
currents like a dream sitting idly, silently awaiting someone to claim it.
As
I reached the connection between the two paths, a strong wind began to pick
up. Winter had begun early that year and the cold seemed to have blown right
through my body, and my clothing offered little in the way of defense. The
water wasn’t completely frozen and I could sense the tide coming onto shore,
lifting the boats gently over their icy resting places. Few people probably
went down there, but I still wondered what had pointed me there and why I
was there all alone walking among the seasonally abandoned ships. It
probably had only been an hour since I’d seen her, but it felt like forever.
Even though I knew that I was there by myself, I once again reflexively
looked around the deserted docks to see if anyone was watching me. I didn’t
want anyone to find out where I was going or who I was with. Despite all our
encounters over those past few months, I still hadn’t told anyone about
them. I didn’t know how anyone would react, and what we shared was something
that only we understood, there was no reason to talk about it. I walked
through the forest alone under the dimming moon, watching the clouds begin
to roll in. It would be a long winter ahead without her, and there were
points when the relentless snow and biting cold felt like it wouldn’t
relent. I persisted and when I reached the end of the docks and looked out
over the sea, I knew it had been worth it. It seemed quiet and I scanned to
the horizons where I could see the nearby islands. I looked over them for
any signs of life but didn’t see anything. I knew approximately how far away
they were from me at this point and they seemed impossible to reach,
seemingly forever in their distance.
I stood there on the edge of the ocean, exposed
to the wind and it blew right through me, the boats behind me offering
little shelter from their strong gusts and biting grip. I steeled myself,
moving my arms and legs closer to my body and stood there allowing the winds
and waves to overcome me. I closed my eyes and took myself back to the
previous summer. I thought of all the things we had experienced together
then in our initial meetings and wondered what the coming summer would
bring. I felt an unexpected sensation on my back, which was reassuring but
also slightly unsettling. I stood there silently, not knowing what to think.
I was still for a moment, I listened for something, but the shore remained
quiet. I turned back to anticipating the months ahead. I was already
counting the days, going backwards then forward. Relaxing once again, I felt
myself slipping into a daydream. I returned to the previous summer, and I
was filled with heat and promise. For a moment, everything was restored
temporarily; the bright and the warmth surrounded me, protecting my body
from the harsh elements. Without realizing it, I was able to steal a piece
of summer from winter’s icy grasp. As quickly as the moment occurred, it
vanished but I was able to hold onto it in my mind for much longer. I heard
something in the distance and it was heading towards me.
I opened my eyes and saw a distant set of lights heading towards my
direction. I looked back and saw a truck coming over the road. At first I
couldn’t tell what it was, but as it grew closer, I sensed it was a security
truck making the rounds. I ducked behind one of the boats that was nearby
and stood against it. I felt my heart sink to my feet, this was unexpected.
As it drew closer, I hoped the truck wouldn’t come onto the docks and would
drive by. I waited for it to pass and it did, gliding by onto the main
beach. I was relieved as I watched it go in the other direction and began to
walk back towards the edge of the water. Its lights receded through the road
until I couldn’t see it anymore. I watched and waited until I was sure it
was gone. I was relieved. I didn’t want anyone to know, and it would be hard
to explain what a little kid like me was doing out here alone so late. I
didn’t know how I’d be able to tell anyone what was really happening and any
excuse I’d make wouldn’t make much sense. I was grateful for the respite,
but I knew I’d have to be more careful if it returned. I walked closer to
the boats, bending down towards the ground to avoid detection. I heard
something in the distance and knew it was coming back in my direction. I
looked around and tried to find a way out. I couldn’t see anywhere where I
could hide without making myself vulnerable. I would for sure be spotted if
I ran out into the street. I walked back between the boats, carefully
positioning myself in the shadows, hoping that no one would see me. I saw
that truck drive up to the gates and held my breath, It stopped and a guard
come out of the truck. My heart sank, I knew this could be trouble. I
watched him pull open the gates and he drove into the dock area, his lights
searching for something. I decided I only needed to stay still in the
darkness, and my plan seemed to work at first.
The truck slowly drove around the docks, probably not expecting to see
anything out of the ordinary. I thought it was a routine patrol that would
quickly pass. I just needed to be patient and wait him out for a few
minutes. I watched it from a distance, slowly moving through the boatyard,
silently scanning and lighting a narrow path in front of itself. Suddenly,
the truck stopped and so did my heart. I looked and realized in a moment
what had happened. When I walked inside the dock, my shoes had left heavy
foot-steps in the icy ground. I didn’t think anyone else would follow me,
but I had left a trail. The guard got out of the truck and looked at ground
his flashlight traced their path, leading right towards my location. This
was unnerving and my first instinct was to run. However, I knew a sudden
motion would alert him to my presence so I stayed as still as I could. I hid
behind a boat and quietly slipped underneath one of the tarps. I looked out
nervously. I saw him moving closer towards me, walking nervously and
awkwardly stepping on the creaky planks. He was retracing some of the same
steps I had made only a few minutes before. He seemed to be examining
everything, looking at the ground, pointing his flashlight around looking
for something. I couldn’t move
and knew I would have to stay well-hidden to avoid detection. I watched him
closely, measuring his steps and pace, slowly moving myself under the tarps,
carefully walking in the opposite direction.
My heart was beating and I was getting nervous. The boats seemed to be
closing in on me, their hulls hanging over me. He took a turn and moved in
the other direction for a moment heading away from me, I took the
opportunity and quickly skated towards the opposing side of the docks,
nearly out of range. Not wanting to make a sound, I measured my steps and
carefully looked below my feet, avoiding the loose boards that might creak,
I watched him move away from my position. The guard was still far away and I
had some room to maneuver but not enough to feel safe. He yelled for someone
to answer him but I remained quiet, trying hard not to breathe loudly, in
order to avoid detection. He moved down to the far side of the dock and onto
the walkway directly water. There were no more footprints down there, since
they had washed away under the slush. I caught another break. The trail was
cold and he head no where to look. He waved his flashlight around in a few
circles but he still didn’t see me. At this point, I was hidden underneath
one of the boats’ sails, peeking out only a little. I could barely see his
outline as he moved back towards his truck. He seemed to be losing interest
and after looking around for a few minutes, he finally decided to give up
the pursuit. I heard him walk back down the rows of boats and heard him as
he got back into his truck and slammed the door loudly in apparent
frustration. Once I heard the engine fire up, I knew that I was safe. I had
escaped detection. I wasn’t complacent however, and knew he might come back,
later on hoping to catch something. I decided that I would need to be more
careful the next time, but I had evaded his prying eyes. I waited there for
quite some time until I was sure that he was out of range. After awhile, my
mind eased a little as I realized that our secret was safe. Even here, I
needed to be on constant guard in order to keep from being found out. As the
truck faded from view, things became quiet and lonely once again.
Night was falling into deeper slumber, as the relentless cold resumed its
icy hold on the boats, the beach and, the world. Tightly knotted ice formed
over the paths I walked, covering my tracks in the hours that followed. The
boats seemed to fall back to sleep in some way, kneeling down and crouching
under each other, keeping their summer memories frozen in time, safely out
of sight. I walked out from under there protective layers and stood out in
the open. There were things I hadn’t anticipated and I needed to know how to
counter them in order to keep things safe. My mind wandered back on my
previous encounters with her and how she was able to slip in and out of the
world so easily. I remembered how elegant and care-free she seemed when we
were skating, and also how quickly she was able to shift back into the
darkness without leaving a trace. This was a mystifying part of her that I
couldn’t figure out, but as I thought about things, it all began to make
sense. As we walked and sat together those times, she told me things that
didn’t make sense until I was able to put them together later on. Without me
realizing it, she was teaching me how to disappear.
- Story & Illustration by Michael Palisano
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