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Love Beyond the Sun
I knew that
something had touched me on the shoulder, but didn’t yet understand what it
was. I knew she had something to do with it, but I couldn’t figure out how
she was able to touch me so emphatically and yet actually not be there
physically behind me. That moment was unsettling and
made me doubt what I had felt. At first, I thought it could only be
one of two things, either she was playing a trick on me or things were
getting out of control and I was playing tricks on myself. As I thought
about it more, I came to the realization that she wasn’t something I could
explain to an ordinary person. She was someone who was unique to me and
would only come to see me, when she needed to. This was a pretty cool thing
in my mind. I couldn’t quite figure out why she had come to me since at that
point in my life, I didn’t feel like anything other than an ordinary
eleven-year old kid. I walked slowly over the gaps in the creaky boards and
reached the end of the pier, standing at its edge, where it jutted farthest
out towards the ocean. The sun was still shining, beating down on my back as
the afternoon slipped into dusk. It remained a warm fixture overhead, but it
was slowly cooling down and shrinking as it slipped under the horizon. Shadows grew longer
and the mysteries that presented themselves ran back under the railings,
beneath the waves. Submerged but not dissolved, I looked at the waves
crashing under my feet. They seemed to flow gently under the pilings and
poles, surrounding them with their salty, foamy crests. I stood there and
watched them for several minutes, occasionally touching my shoulder to see
if there was another hand there. I searched and waited but there was
nothing. This was wishful thinking, perhaps, but touching my shoulder didn’t
capture that moment. I would have to rely on the lesson she taught me, even
though it hadn’t fully sunk in. I needed to learn how to rely on my faith in
her. I realized that I had to look inside to find the things I couldn’t see.
It was a difficult task but I decided that’s what I would do. Slowly, the
pier began to clear up as the frustrated fishers and walkers left for the
day. As I looked over the edge of the pier, I could see the entire coast of
the beach curl outwards into the water, cresting through to the east curving
into the sea gently. Beyond that, I saw clusters of islands scattered from
the shore. Once again, I tried to look for our secret place but I still
couldn’t find even a glimmer of its outline. It seemed to have vanished
under the waves, like a lost dream. Still, I wouldn’t give up and trained my
eyes in the general direction, searching for it amongst the surf.
Even though months had passed, I could still hear their voices mocking me.
They didn’t understand who I was, and failed to grasp what had actually
happened. They continually returned to the same old places with their tired
phrases. This could have undermined my self-confidence, but I had a secret
no one could take away from me, and that gave me a different perspective.
The more I thought of our visits, the less important they became. When I was
younger, I explored the world with abandon, finding my own path. I was alone
to anyone looking, but I knew it was she who led me there. She was
constantly inspiring me to try new things. Most people around me were
content occasionally exploring new ground but rarely took many steps outside
the predefined path. Everything they talked about seemed to be an echo, an
inadequate reflection of an uninspired world. I sat there on the pier for
several minutes longer, watching the shadows deepen and decided it was time
to go someplace else for a change. I walked down the pier and back onto the
solid pavement, turning back for a moment, trying to hold onto the essence
of what I had felt, if only for a brief moment. It’s hard to describe, but
it was a kind of strange connection, one that I wasn’t able to really
comprehend at that moment. It would come to me in time, but it was confusing
for me at first. I wondered if I was really going in the right direction, or
if somehow I had allowed myself to run to the wrong solutions. I walked back
over the sandy beach, I felt the sand under my feet and it over ran into my
sneakers, creating small uncomfortable mounds under my heels, I stopped and
took them off and shook them out, only to find them filled up again after a
few more steps. This was getting annoying, so I decided to make the best of
it and let it flow enough to create at least an even, though rough surface
for me to walk on. I passed the swings and the water fountains and looked
across the street as I had many times before, and saw the old arcade there.
I decided to walk in and see what was new inside that night.
I looked forward to my trips to the arcade intensely back then, even when
there wasn’t something new to play. I could always burn some time with one
my old favorites. Asteroids was one of the more interesting games that
seemed to stand up, remaining quite challenging enjoyable. Despite having
been supplanted by more advanced games, it was still one of my favorites
even in those early years. I admired the clean vector graphics and loved the
freedom to steer my ship around the screen in free-style, working on
shooting the rocks from various distances. I loved watching the big ones
split into smaller ones when they were shot, and how they seemed to get
faster as they got smaller. This was definitely one of the earliest games I
remember playing at the arcade. It still held me in its electronic grip, I
think its simplicity was its secret weapon. There was something about the
game that I couldn’t resist. It was one of those landmarks that created its
own world. With its minimalist black and white vector graphics, its thumping
soundtrack and its straightforward approach, it was instantly recognizable,
even from a distance. It was still quite challenging and its simplicity let
it hold its appeal against its more elaborate, multi-hued and, increasingly
complicated competitors. I cleared several screens and watched my score
increase until I reached a decent level, playing until it inevitably got
faster and more difficult, seemingly impossible. I watched the glowing rocks
on the screen, spinning endlessly around each other, trying to maneuver my
ship to avoid them. Suddenly, it was over and I turned to the other games. I
looked at them lined up in their rows, tempting me to spend my money on them
once again. I felt the summer heat, even at dusk, the heat still boiled the
sidewalk, my feet were still navigating the lines and there will still
scattered sections that remained hot to the touch. The change was subtle but
noticeable, and I didn’t need a clock to know it was getting late. Sneaking,
shadows lengthened through the oncoming night and I saw the sunlight slowly
dissipate behind the trees. I walked out towards the street and looked up
towards the sky. I noticed something there and knew I had to get moving. I
knew there were bigger things waiting for me beyond the arcade's confines.
I
walked across the road and towards the ocean once again. I walked over the
sands and felt them squish under my feet. I looked towards the pier where
I’d felt something I couldn’t quite define. It was deserted now, not a soul
was present. It seemed to rise against the waves. I waited to see if there
was another sign, but I didn’t feel anything. I looked around, across the
waves and towards the distant islands. I didn’t see any sign there, either.
I thought I had dreamed all those events and meetings for a moment. I didn’t
want to think I was slipping under the waves, but somehow, I knew there was
more than anyone could see. I wasn’t able to prove it, but I could
definitely sense something was up once again. As the skies darkened further,
the clouds began to overcome the sky, hiding the moon from view. This made
it more difficult to navigate the beach, so I decided to walk back towards
the street. It was now entering dusk, twilight settled in slowly, and my
vision was a little less clear. The streetlights had begun to turn on which
helped a little but I still felt a little bit frightened. As I moved back
onto the road, a few cars drove past me, there headlights blinding me
momentarily. In between, there was silence and darkness. which was a little
unsettling after the noise and saturation of the arcade. I walked across
town for nearly an hour. The streets began to close in on each other,
becoming more congested as I walked towards the center of town. I walked
east and up the hills and things broadened out once again. I walked and
suddenly, trees began to predominate once again. I knew where I was going,
and while it took a lot of courage, I had decided to return to the
sanctuary. After many months, I finally returned to the mountain where we
had met those many times. It was a bit of a haul, and my feet were beginning
to get sore. I wondered if I was really doing the right thing, and something
was pulling at me to just forget the whole thing and go home. No one knew
what happened except us, there was no one to impress, Sometimes, I wondered
if any of was real. My doubts increased with every step and I kept fighting
the temptation to turn around. It took awhile, but something kept pushing me
to persist in my quest. I walked down the sidewalk and found myself at the
bottom of the hill once again.
As I looked up, the familiar paths unfolded in familiar patterns. I saw them
twisting up towards the hill-top where we had encountered each other a few
times. It was strange being back there after all those months. It looked
different in the summer, brighter and fuller. The trees felt very much alive
and they protected the place from the outside. It was an oasis of calm. I
began to enter the pathways and looked and saw several things I hadn’t
noticed before. Some of the paths I had used seemed to have vanished under
the grass, which made it harder to navigate through them. As I walked, I
felt the familiar rocky, uneven surface under my feet. The steps seemed to
grow increasingly steep as I made my way upwards and each step put some
strain on my already tired feet. I walked and noticed the darkness beginning
to take over now more fully than it had before. Under other circumstances, I
would have been afraid, but I felt incredibly safe there. Her presence still
permeated the hill and it offered me a level of protection that wasn’t going
to be breached. I walked up the steep path walking under the group of rocks
where we sat for hours during the rainstorm the previous fall. I remembered
how long that night had seemed while it was happening, and then how quickly
it ended as the morning came. I began making the long turn back towards the
clearing. I was still looking for her, even though I didn’t realize it. She
seemed so close to me, but I couldn’t understand how she seemed to be able
to follow me. My memories of all the events on the mountain came back to me.
I recalled how cold the wind felt when I was standing on a ledge on the
other side, stranded momentarily. Then, how warm and strong her hand felt
when she pulled me up to safety after what felt like forever up there. The
way she looked at me on those occasions, a kind of love I didn’t really know
how to explain. I walked and finally began to reach the top of the clearing.
The trees began to spread out as the ground leveled off, making for a
clearing. I had seen it during the winter, but in the middle of summer, it
seemed different. Now, it was covered in green grass, overgrown in spots and
rough, but still giving it a much more natural look. It was easier to walk
across, without the mud dragging my steps. This made it much smoother. As I
reached beyond the trees, it seemed to brighten as the moon came into view,
illuminating the night and giving me some visibility as I walked deeper
inside the mountain.
On the surface of the hill, I experienced a strangely relaxing isolation. It
might have seemed like a lonely place to anyone else but, the isolation
allowed me to think and gather my thoughts together peacefully. I had often
thought of her and wondered who was behind all of this, It had gradually
become less important over time, with some of our memories taking a back
seat once events of ordinary life came together, conspiring to shrink their
importance, playing tricks on me. I walked through and remembered some of
the lessons she taught me. They made sense individually but I still hadn’t
assembled them into the larger picture she was trying to show me. There were
many questions I couldn’t answer, and many answers I figured out only led to
others. It was a kind of strange to find myself, after looking for so long,
to still feel a little bit lost. Despite all that had happened, I still felt
like I was still just beginning to find my way. I walked up the path and
noticed something sticking out from behind the one of the trees. It wasn’t
very large, but as I looked closer, I saw what it was. I knew it couldn’t
have been left there accidentally. It was black and heavy, tightly wrapped
in rough, knotty strands of rope. I picked it up and as I examined it, the
book looked surprisingly new. There was no title anywhere on it, the only
indication were a set of initials scrawled on its lower right side. I tried
to open it and look inside but its pages were tightly bound together and I
couldn’t remove them individually. I knew it contained something important
but something told me not to look deeper inside or try to open it. Some
secrets needed to be kept. I returned it back to its original position,
carefully restoring it and walked away from it slowly. I wondered why
someone would leave something like that outside in the open where anyone
could find it.
It was a strange thing to see, and while I had my suspicions, I couldn’t
verify them from what I had seen. I walked over and examined the book again.
I couldn’t unlock its mysteries from its cover alone, so I decided not to
push into it deeply. I put it back down behind the tree, hiding it so it
would sit unobtrusively. Most people who walked by probably wouldn’t have
noticed it, but someone familiar with the place would have seen it out of
the corner of their eye and it would have seemed out of place immediately. I
thought about why it was there, who might have left it and what was inside.
I remembered the elaborate gift box she’d left for me for the previous year,
and wondered what it could have meant, Instinctively, I had a feeling of
what was inside, but precisely why or how it got there was something that
eluded me at the time. I always felt the hill was a secret place and it was
easy to feel safe up there, far above the fomenting waters that never
ceased. As I looked up and saw that I was surrounded by a wall of trees,
that sense of isolation overtook me. There were no storm clouds forming in
the sky, there wasn’t any wind, or rain. It was for the moment, a peaceful,
silent where I could sit. I took it in, knowing that the refuge I had
achieved wouldn’t last as long as I wanted it to. I decided to just relax
for a moment. I closed my eyes and stood there under the trees where time
seemed to stop, I rested my bones and kneeled down and sat on the ground. It
was still warm from the heat of the day, and the grass was soft and
permeable, making it easy to sit on. Stretching my arms behind my back, I
looked around towards the side where I had entered. There was no one here.
If she was there, I didn’t see her, though if she had shown up, no one would
see us. I was surrounded by a forest of silent witnesses; there was no one
else around. I couldn’t see or hear anything resembling civilization and it
was a strange place to find myself. So much had happened over the past year
and I was relieved in some way. I wanted to see her, but on the other hand,
it was always a bit strange that it might have been a relief that she wasn’t
actually there beside me. I knew she was, even when she wasn’t, so it didn’t
bother me too much. She would show up when I needed her. Instinctively, I
knew we’d meet again, but that moment hadn’t arrived.
At that point, It didn’t bother me as much as it had, since I already
figured things out. I sat there waiting, guarding our area, protecting it
for the both of us, as dusk slowly gave way to night. The sun reluctantly
slipped under the shadows, going under cover and sleeping for the night. I
watched the stars light up, each one coming to life as the night settled in
for its reign. I thought about everything we shared over the past year. It
meant a lot to me, even though it wasn’t anything I could prove. Everything
was effectively hidden from the rest of the world, which made it feel even
more special and important. Most of all, I thought of our night on the
island and how we danced together. It seemed magical and even then, all
those months later, there was still a beacon that pulled me in. I stood up
and watched as the moon ascended to the center of the sky. It was as if she
was still calling me for one last round. The light beamed down on me, and I
began to dance and sway alone underneath it, returning to the movements and
steps we shared that night, dancing alone to the songs till resounding in my
mind. After a few minutes I realized I was still alone, which was strange. I
looked around and felt a bit weird, but an odd calm seemed to have come over
me, too. I knew there was something there that would last for a very long
time, going beyond the summer night we shared, over many days and nights,
lasting weeks, then months and, years, through thick and thin. It was the
strangest feeling, one that I hadn’t really appreciated until that moment.
It gave me hope, there was someone on my side, I wasn’t alone and it was
unmistakably good. While this wasn’t something I could articulate, I knew
she wasn’t ever truly going to be that far away from me. No matter what
happened or how much time passed, nothing would ever stand between us.
- Michael Palisano
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